I am sitting in my screened in room this morning and all is quiet. The sound is unfamiliar as all summer there has been the pitter patter of feet and the unsuppressed sounds of every emotion moving through a 3 year old and 5 year old’s body. Moments of delight, boredom, adventure, peace and conflict within. All reflecting back to me what was in flow or not in my own body.

As I walked Noah down to the bus this morning for his first day of grade 1, I was reminded of the paralysing fear he experienced on his first day last year. This year was so different- he had moments of smiles and tears, (and in my perception) confidence and uncertainty, trust and fear, as we made the walk down the driveway and on to the bus. He allowed himself to experience all of it and did not go into lockdown (paralysis) this year .  Not only was I reminded of Noah, I was reminded of myself last year.The evolution I experienced this morning was allowing myself to relax into feeling all of it at the same time. Not needing to shut it down or suppress the evolution of mySelf.

I was able to stay present to myself and to Noah and created the space for him to experience all the information moving through his little body by not shutting down my own. I was acutely aware in that moment that this is the critical stage in parenting where we unconsciously model what behavior is acceptable in ‘our family’. I did not encourage him to ‘suck it up’ by sucking it up and locking down in myself. I also did not curl in on myself, instead I let the tears roll down my face and pushed my sunglasses up on top of my head for him to see. As he stepped on the bus I said ‘all you need to do is breathe and be yourself’.

I did not walk back up the driveway to the waiting dishes and emails I had to return, instead I ventured up the road breathing, noticing the warmth of the sun and honoring the information moving in my own body.

This summer has been a journey of trusting myself and letting go into the unknown to live an awakened life full of possibility and discovery. I realized this morning the feeling of velcro ripping away from each other that I have been experiencing is what I imagine a butterfly must feel like as it begins to emerge from it’s cocoon. Half of me still inside the comfortable familiar warmth and safety of the cocoon and the other half experiencing the freedom as my wing flaps and my leg unfolds. The metaphor for me being I can no longer stay where it is familiar and comfortable, I must completely emerge to fly and discover more that awaits on the next journey.

Just as my son got on the bus I too must allow myself to feel ‘all of me’ as I sit in the silence to hear myself today.